2016 MLB Free Agents Clearly Running the Show

(Last Updated On: September 29, 2017)

Whenever you decide to question the economy or where our tax dollars are going, feel free to point a fat foam finger at professional sports and the 2016 MLB free agents – mainly the guaranteed-salary powerhouse that is Major League Baseball. This is a sport that saw 139 players file for free agency the day after the 2015 World Series. We knew this offseason would be another level of lucrative, as every new offseason seems to be, but to give David Price seven years, $217 million and Zack Greinke six years and $206.5 million seemed a tad superfluous. Naturally this sparked a money dump for many other 2016 MLB Free Agents.

Heck, even versatile, yet unspectacular Venezulan veteran Asdrubal Cabrera got more than $9 million per year from the New York Mets (completing their infield following the Jon Niese trade for second baseman Neil Walker – who I can definitely be on board with). Like a hypothetical entrance to the Field of Dreams, 2016 MLB free agents everywhere are suckling at the money teet looking for that next payday and new-city entranceway.


2016 MLB free agents meme.


Let’s check out the top 2016 MLB free agents, topped by a shark (also called a pirate) coming off his worst career season getting $90 million.

Top 2016 MLB Free Agents already signed:

David Price signed by Boston Red Sox for seven years, $217 million

Zack Greinke signed by Los Angeles Dodgers for six years, $206.5 million

Jordan Zimmermann signed by Detroit Tigers for five years, $110 million

Jeff Samardzija signed by San Francisco Giants for five years, $90 million

Ben Zobrist signed by Chicago Cubs for four years, $56 million

Hisashi Iwakuma signed by Los Angeles Dodgers for three years, $45 million

J.A. Happ signed by Toronto Blue Jays for three years, $36 million

John Lackey signed by Chicago Cubs for two years, $32 million (this is a guy who pitched for the MLB minimum salary in 2014)

Darren O’Day signed by Baltimore Orioles for four years, $31 million

Marco Estrada signed by Toronto Blue Jays for two years, $26 million


It’s certainly been an exciting offseason thus far, though all I can think about during these belligerent contract signings is a better pastime. I remember the 1990s, a period of pure power and newly egregious contracts that hadn’t yet taken over the entire sports world. The days of Steroid Reservoir Dogs, an up-and-coming shortstop from Kalamazoo, and of course Slammin’ Sammy Sosa..


2016 MLB free agents sosa meme
Sammy Sosa smiles at the 2016 MLB free agents.


And how could we forget one of our favorite late-’90s arrivals, David Ortiz. It was a quiet arivle, as Ortiz battled injuries and playing time while on the Minnesota Twins to finish his nearly six-year Twins career 58 home runs and 238 RBIs in 455 games. He was released by Kirby Puckett’s former club and picked up in January of 2003 by the Boston Red Sox – or Red Sawwwx for you Stonians out there. After mostly pinch-hitting for his first-month taste of Boston, Ortiz was handed the starting job (moving wow-remember-that-guy Jeremy Giambi to the bench)..

13 seasons later, Ortiz’s Boston resume features a .288 average, 445 homeruns, 1,403 RBI and a .951 OPS in 1,802 games. But it wasn’t the crushed baseballs or Saturday Night Live impressions that made David Ortiz a cemented legend. It was, instead, his endearingly permanent nickname, Big Papi.

2016 MLB free agents papi meme.
2016 MLB free agents can probably wipe their own ass.

But hey, in case baseball’s not your thing there’s always basketball, where LeBron James memes, interviews, highlights, rumors, shopping lists, tweets and balmovements flood the news ticker 24 freaking 7. That obviously never gets old.

Just remember, every time you’re questioning MLB salaries or the slowness of baseball games in general, you could be frustratingly staring at this all day instead..

2016 MLB free agents lebron james meme.
2016 MLB free agents aren’t getting the LeBron James treatment.


Of course you can always choose football instead, where NFL superstars are doing both the Carlton and unnecessary hurdles across endzones following revolutionary, alien-like touchdowns week after week. You can bet Alfonso Ribeiro is watching these NFL players run, hurdle and copy his jiggle..


Notable headlines for 2016 MLB free agents and trades:

Miami Marlins may be bluffing on trade for Jose Fernandez?

Washington Nationals trying to replace Zimmerman with Mike Leake?

Aroldis Chapman a “toxic asset” to MLB teams?

Baltimore Orioles offer Chris Davis $150 million?

New York Mets want a Bartolo Colon reunion?

Alex Gordon headed to Bay Area?

Arizona Diamondbacks did actually give up No. 1 pick Dansby Swanson and entire farm system to Atlanta Braves for Shelby Miller?