Tension between LeBron James and Steph Curry keeps rising as the two hoop stars prepare for a surely feisty NBA Finals, and so does our looking-forward intrigue for the post-Finals NBA Draft – especially for us Knicks fans who have to watch nauseatingly atrocious basketball each season while knowing the team traded its first-round draft pick years ago for salary cap killer Andrea Bargnani when we could’ve had Kyle Lowry. But I digress.
This got us thinking about what each team really needs and terrible decisions, like Dikembe Mutombo’s decision to congratulate the 76ers on winning the NBA Draft Lottery hours before the Lottery actually happened. Conspiracy much?
With the first pick in the 2016 NBA Mock Draft, the Sixers are up to bat..
1. Philadelphia 76ers: Another Big Man
Not only will the Sixers draft another big man who they can promptly begin to explore trading in almost every 2016 NBA Mock Draft out there, but they’ll find one who projects better on the dance floor than on the hardwood as evidenced below. Since taking point guard Michael Carter-Williams with the 11th pick in the 2013 draft, Philly has called the names of big men Nerlens Noel, Dario Saric, Joel Embiid, and Jahlil Okafor. Who’s next?
2. Los Angeles Lakers: “Band of Brothers” DVD Box Set
No matter who the Lakers take, Kobe Bryant will hate it. That much we know. However, HBO’s “Band of Brothers” could offer franchise centerpiece D’Angelo Russell some strong life lessons.
3. Boston Celtics: Another Three First Round Picks
Not sure how they’ll do it, but they continue to compile future NBA draft picks better than most in our 2016 NBA Mock Draft. If that doesn’t work out, they can always draft a bowl of Clam Chowder for Jae Crowder.
4. Phoenix Suns: Eminem
This may be a stretch, but with the Phoenix Suns sporting a third-worst .435 field goal percentage it’s clear they need to start exploring outside-the-box options. Enter Marshall Mathers, a man who knows how to nail one-shot opportunities like he’s draining buckets.
5. Minnesota Timberwolves: An Internet Troll
.. to perfectly compliment their status as the best trollers on the planet and perhaps fill the role moving forward. Amidst the return of Kevin Love to Minnesota, the Timberwolves video guys made this gem – a truly hilarious homage to the return of famously average basketball player Mike Miller. Not Love.
6. New Orleans Pelicans: Ricky Bobby
With a French Pelican named Pierre being their mascot, New Orleans has no choice but to recreate the most epically belligerent movie race all over again.. but with Ricky Bobby taking on Jean Girard’s lesser known companion, Pierre, this time around.
7. Denver Nuggets: A New Passport Photo for Nikola Jokic
Granted, he was still a baby fat-clad 14-year-old on the cusp of NBA stardom. But regardless, it’s time for a new shot.
8. Sacramento Kings: This Kid
The only cute thing about the Kings right now could be this little star.
9. Toronto Raptors: Drake
As GQ so magically puts it, “Drake Continues to Be the Greatest Fake NBA Head Coach Ever.”
10. Milwaukee Bucks: Someone 6’11” or Taller
There’s nothing like a random daily stat to keep you interested, and Redditer swapmeetpete nailed it with the very random, very intriguing stat about Giannis Antetokounmpo. Specifically, the lanky Greek baller leading the NBA last season in assists per game for players 6’11” and taller. Enough said.
11. Orlando Magic: Any Writer from Vogue
Frank Vogel magazine will hit the streets – it’s just a matter of time.
12. Utah Jazz: A Mailman
The last time they had one things were going pretty well, which makes me wonder why they haven’t drafted one since.
13. Phoenix Suns: A Real Artist
Arizona graphic designer Michael Walchalk, perhaps? I mean, this here is simply the worst photoshop we’ve seen.
14. Chicago Bulls: Carl Lewis
In 1984, the Chicago Bulls drafted eventual four-time Olympian and nine-time gold medalist Carl Lewis with the 208th pick – the second selection of the 10th round – 10 rounds after picking the man, the legend, Michael Jordan. Maybe there’s a connection there and the Bulls should add Lewis to this year’s draft for good juju.
15. Denver Nuggets: A Hair Transplant for Owner Stan Kroenke
He’s got hair, so that’s a win. But that’s pretty much all that’s winning.
16. Boston Celtics: Trade The Pick for More Draft Picks
They already got three for one earlier in our 2016 NBA Mock Draft, so I have little doubt that the Celtics will once again move one or two for another four. Two for five, five for two, take your pick.
17. Memphis Grizzlies: Leonardo DiCaprio
The pick here would’ve been Revenant legend Hugh Glass, but of course he’s long gone. Considering Leo played the role masterfully, got mauled by a real Grizzly in the movie, and even slept in a dead animal carcass to prepare for the role, I’m sure this guy could take the beating necessary to run with the Memphis Grizzlies. Toughness is key for this team.
18. Detroit Pistons: A Producer for Stan Van Gundy
He will drop the next great rap album. The only question is when?
19. Denver Nuggets: Fries
What are Nuggets without fries? Maybe that’s the missing piece to this team.
20. Indiana Pacers: The Four Pointer.
I’m wiling to listen to your opinions on the four-pointer, Larry and Reggie. But I’d like to think that if the NBA was ever going to add a four-pointer, they’d also need a point to the funk. Food for thought.
21. Atlanta Hawks: Mickey Goldmill
And the Hawks already know it..
22. Charlotte Hornets: Julius Orri Agustsson
Forget 2016 NBA Mock Draft celebrity Dragan Bender and his Kristaps Porzingis comparisons, or some other random European prospect who comes out of the woodwork; Julíus Orri Agustsson is the answer.
23. Boston Celtics: A Vertical Jump Workout Kit for Brad Stevens
So he can dunk without a trampoline. So close, Brad.
24. Philadelphia 76ers: PDF Compressor
For Sam Hinkie’s 13-page resignation letter. I’m not exactly trying to load my laptop with 13 pages of a Sam Hinkie download?
25. Los Angeles Clippers: A Llama
Paul Pierce’s daughter got one so why can’t the Clips.
26. Philadelphia 76ers: Russell Crowe
To stand for former General Manager Sam Hinkie and scream “are you not entertained” over and over.
27. Toronto Raptors: A Swear Jar for Kyle Lowry
Brutal. Don’t mess with Kryptonite Lowry.
28. Phoenix Suns: A Teenager
Devin Booker can’t do it all on his own. Our 2016 NBA Mock Draft gets him teenage help.
29. San Antonio Spurs: A Future Superstar
The Spurs haven’t been in the lottery since 1997, which was only their third ever. Once again outside of lottery-pick screaming distance in the 2016 NBA Draft, San Antonio will absolutely grab the draft’s most successful future.
30. Golden State Warriors: Stuff Curry
The Warriors learn that keeping more than one Curry on the roster will be key, especially considering Steph Curry’s baby doppelganger is a gem. He’s available at No. 30 in our 2016 NBA Mock Draft.
Follow @thespleaze for more ridiculously accurate NBA Draft predictions.