For true football fanatics and constantly pissed off New York Jets fans like yours truly, NFL mock drafts are the only glimmer of hope that we might find some semblance of gridiron happiness going into the next season. And since semblance is all about illusion, it’s fitting that the majority of 2016 NFL mock drafts flooding the web are filled with terribly wrong choices and painfully annoying analyst opinions moonlighting as facts.
Like our 2015 NFL Mock Draft: Joke Edition, we’ve got another season of more-enjoyable and less-bullshitty predictions for the infamous, yet beloved NFL draft – with a twist. Let this be your honest version of what the NFL draft should be.. a collection of unorthodox choices that fit team needs and inspire change, on and off the field.
2016 NFL Mock Draft: First Round Joke Edition
1. Tennessee Titans: Hayden Panettiere, Actress
Laremy Tunsil and Jalen Ramsey have been rumored as the two top choices for a team hurting on the offensive line and in the defensive backfield, yet I’m thinking their troubles are more internal and mental than they may realize. Enter Hayden Panettiere, the feisty and fearless little girl from Remember the Titans, who now plays a country diva on the TV show Nashville. But rewinding back to our favorite iconic football film, think of Panettiere as the miniature Mike Ditka – you don’t ask why things need to be done, but rather how fast.
2. Cleveland Browns: Marshall Bruce Mathers III, Rapper
Like I mentioned in my unusual quarterback options for the 2016 Cleveland Browns proposal, Eminem is from Detroit so this makes little sense. However, given that Detroit is statistically the most dangerous city in the country, Slim Shady would theoretically be prepared for even the worst situations – like quarterbacking the Cleveland Browns.
3. San Diego Chargers: Ron Burgundy, Anchorman
It’s no secret that the Chargers want to relocate, thus the need for an infusion of San Diego-focused love and appreciation. Enter Ron Burgundy, who has some interesting takes on San Diego’s history.
4. Dallas Cowboys: Bo Dallas, Wrestler
On name alone, this future partnership needs no introduction. And while we’re at it with one Bo, let’s get Bo Derek on board.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars: A Vat of Eli manning’s Blood
Remember when the 2014 Jacksonville Jaguars, 1-10 at the time, completed the largest comeback in franchise history? Yeah, that was against good old Eli and the predictable New York Giants. I’m guessing that game two years ago softened him up a ton as well, considering the adorable farewell video Manning just produced for his older brother’s iconic retirement.
6. Baltimore Ravens: An IT Team
In October, the Ravens found themselves down eight with 1:53 left in the game, 76 yards from the red zone, bereft of any working headsets. Plays had to be screamed in from offensive coordinator Marc Trestman, while Joe Flacco scrambled for his life, a chance at victory, and to the sideline for every single play call. Pitiful.
7. San Francisco 49ers: Ric Flair, Retired Wrestler
New head coaches ordinarily translates to new quarterback, but the 49ers need to slow down and walk before they run. Ric Flair, clearly experienced in motivating the Niners already, fits the new-team mold and will infuse this young club with some much-needed inspiration.
8. Philadelphia Eagles (from MIA): Shirts
I get the New York hate when you’re playing the New York Giants, but why so hard on the Mets specifically? Did Yoenis Cespedes steal this guy’s stallion or something?
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Griffin Alstott, High School Quarterback
Fullback Mike Alstott remains the greatest Buccaneer ever, based on consumer sentiment polls. His son, still only 16, gets the early call. Start’em young.
10. New York Giants: A Hand for Jason Pierre-Paul
Though he may claim otherwise, saying he’ll be good, per Giants.com
11. Chicago Bears: A Sushi Bar
Bears love catching fish streaming up the river, so this is simply a necessary/natural addition. Fresh, uncooked fish wrapped in steaming sticky rice is pretty much the perfect meal. With miso, of course. Time for change in Chi-Town.
12. New Orleans Saints: A Defense
Literally anything. Even a fence that says D on it would work at this point.
13. Miami Dolphins (from PHI): Dolph Lundgren, Actor
This would finally give owner Stephen Ross the opportunity to rename his club the Miami Dolph-grens, or something like that.
14. Oakland Raiders: A Lost Ark
I guess Bruce Irvin could be the lost ark.
15. Los Angeles Rams: Ari Gold, Movie Agent
Dude thrives in Hollywood and can properly show these newly arrived Rams how to walk and talk the walk and talk.
16. Detroit Lions: The Waterboy
Or really any unknown character who magically becomes a football star and changes everything for the pitiful Lions – that coming from a Jets fan, so you know it’s bad.
17. Atlanta Falcons: A Personalized Planner for Vic Beasley
Since Pimpin ain’t Vic Beasley.
18. Indianapolis Colts: A Bucket
For the tears that Chuck Pagano squeezes out of us during every victory speech. God you’re perfect, Chuck. PERFECT.
— Indianapolis Colts (@Colts) January 3, 2016
19. Buffalo Bills: More Porta-Potties
It was easy to once think that Buffalo fans everywhere had stomach issues, but now I’m starting to believe they actually enjoy causing bowel movement havoc. Time to lessen the opportunity for free-flying piss.
20. New York Jets: A More Creative Twitter Guy
When your team sucks every year, you NEED more creativity than a one-word quip that has nobody laughing. I’m literally a Jets fan not laughing.
21. Washington Redskins: A New Stadium
Oh wait, they’re on it already. Pictures courtesy of The Washington Post.
22. Houston Texans: A Financial Advisor
$72 million to Brock fucking Osweiler. Really? Even Matt Flynn is using #wtf.
23. Minnesota Vikings: A First-Grade Pen Pal
You know, to keep things in perspective. I mean, for first-graders to write these letters is just great. Blair Walsh definitely approves.
24. Cincinnati Bengals: Jason Moore, Director
The director of Pitch Perfect of course, where Vontaze Burfict got the inspiration for his new film. Get Jason on board.
25. Pittsburgh Steelers: Clean Urine
Because now they’re left scrambling for another receiver, following Martavis Bryant’s year-long suspension, since Antonio Brown and his Kung-Fu kicks apparently aren’t enough. If history has taught us anything, the Steelers will pull their fifth-string wide receiver up and he’ll turn into the next Mike Wallace/Emmanuel Sanders. So probably not too much to worry about here.
26. Seattle Seahawks: Salvatore Paul “Sully” Erna, Vocalist and Guitarist
Annihilating a team in front of a live audience is motivation at its finest. Too bad Godsmack still blows.
27. Green Bay Packers: Richard Simmons, Fitness Guru
Eddie Lacy continues to battle weight problems. Enter Richard Simmons, who’s colorful enough to spark change in Green Bay.
28. Kansas City Chiefs: Shane Ray’s Tattoo Artist
To hook up the whole squad. I mean, if this guy can get a Broncos linebacker to embrace a KC tattoo (sure, it’s his hometown, but whatever), I can’t wait to see what he can do with Chiefs players.
29. Arizona Cardinals: Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant
So they can remake The Office correctly.
30. Carolina Panthers: Brandon Ingram, College Basketball Forward
The potential No. 1 pick in the 2016 NBA Draft, Duke’s Brandon Ingram gives the already ridiculously athletic Panthers and Cam Newton another lethal weapon – and he’s a hometown kid. What could be better? Carolina soon finds themselves with the athletically nastiest 1-2 combo in the league.
31. Denver Broncos: Brucie, Inmate
Broncos are getting desperate at quarterback. Let’s go, Brucie.