MLB Drafts offer a glimmer of hope for the future, where some touted prospects sometimes thrive under the utmost pressure 5-10 years down the line from the day they are chosen. But ahead of the 2017 MLB Mock Draft, it’s been clear that the return on investment is rarely in the green – most draftees flame out and never make the Major League club. In our 2017 Mock Draft Joke Edition, we’ll project the best real choices for every MLB squad.
1. Minnesota Twins: Their Ball Boy
With 126 errors last year (second worst in the Majors), the Twins defense was a battering ram of disaster. This ball boy seems up for the role of savior.
2. Cincinnati Reds: Joey Votto’s No. 1 Fan
Wow. I’d rather punch myself in the face like Edward Norton in Fight Club than listen to this schreecher for one more nanosecond.
3. San Diego Padres: The Brown Jerseys
Bring them back.
4. Tampa Bay Rays: Matt Duffy’s Cat
Amazing, a must have.
5. Atlanta Braves: This Guy
Watching a Phillies fan suffer so greatly might inspire the Braves to once again climb the ladder to MLB prosperity.
6. Oakland Athletics: Their Fans
This is pure kindness by one cool kid.
7. Arizona Diamondbacks: A Bird
It was recently 16 years since southpaw fireballer Randy Johnson annihilated one unlucky bird.
8. Philadelphia Phillies: Boy Band N’Sync
This might work.
9. Milwaukee Brewers: Baby in Awe
Best in the biz.
10. Los Angeles Angels: Veteran John Rambo
Best archer of all time? Mike Trout and Albert Pujols would join Rambo for the trifecta.
11. Chicago White Sox: Hall of Fame Pitcher Randy Johnson
Sox draft Randy Johnson so he can hit the bird the Diamondbacks just drafted.
12. Pittsburgh Pirates: Rapper Wiz Khalifa
It just fits.
13. Miami Marlins: Bricks
The Marlins were second-worst last year in home runs hit, so they’ll bring some bricks by the pound for smashing.
14. Kansas City Royals: Singer Lorde
15. Houston Astros: Chef Paul Prudhomme
The team’s signature offering this season is a spam grilled cheese sandwich. Bring in the reinforcements.
16. New York Yankees: Dr. Evil
The once-evil empire just got a whole lot eviler.
17. Seattle Mariners: NFL Wide Receiver Odell Beckham Jr.
So he can take down this indestructible net like he did last year’s net.
— MLB (@MLB) August 3, 2016
18. Detroit Tigers: Helmets
19. San Francisco Giants: Musician Steve Perry
I’ll just leave this here.
20. New York Mets: Fitness Guru Richard Simmons
We need those limber arms to survive. Keep these guys loose.
21. Baltimore Orioles: Korean Commentators
Tell me why not.
— Sung Min Kim (@sung_minkim) September 29, 2016
22. Toronto Blue Jays: Selfie Sticks
By keeping it in the Major League bloodlines and drafting Bo Bichette and Cavan Biggio to groom the future infield, the Blue Jays have a ton of talent for their future. With the plethora of selfiers already present in Toronto (this is apparently a real thing), they’ll only need more of these sticks from our 2017 MLB Mock Draft.
23. Los Angeles Dodgers: A Better Password.
Twitter hacked, according to Deadspin. Classic.
24. Boston Red Sox: A Goat
Ensuring the Chicago Cubs don’t win it again.
25. Washington Nationals: Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer
To explain any head case or bench brawl that will probably happen to the Nats this year.
26. Texas Rangers: A Food Truck
In a real shocker, the Texas Rangers draft a food truck to follow Prince Fielder to convince him to eat meat and return to baseball again.
27. Chicago Cubs: Hall of Fame Slugger Babe Ruth
So they can trade him to the Boston Red Sox with hopes they, too, will trade him again nearly a century later.
28. Toronto Blue Jays: Nobody
In a stunning turn, the Toronto Blue jays don’t draft anyone in our 2017 MLB Mock Draft. Instead, they use their time to remind everyone that Donald Trump isn’t their President, and how cool it must be in Canada.
29. Texas Rangers: Horse Racing Jockey Frankie Dettori
To ride Rougned Odor’s two horses into the record books.
30. Chicago Cubs: A Hypnotist
All of the pitchers in the Chicago Cubs rotation have had their best years, so they draft a hypnotist in our 2017 MLB Mock Draft to try and rekindle the prowess of yesteryear.