2017 NFL Mock Draft: First Round Joke Edition

(Last Updated On: April 28, 2017)

2017 NFL Mock Drafts are already flooding online newsstands and forums. Every year is the same in NFL Draft world. Scouts salivate over unproven college athletes, those players get drafted way too high, those players get paid millions of dollars, and those players fade into the sunset like Champ Bailey. But despite the bullshit we’re fed pre-draft, we’re stuck like glue to the hope that our team might actually find that next diamond in the rough. Enter the 2017 NFL Mock Draft overload.

Like our 2016 NFL Joke Draft, we’ll take a crack at the choices these teams really should make this coming April.

— 2017 NFL Mock Draft Joke Part I —

1. Cleveland Browns: Donald Trump

They obviously need a quarterback here, but the Cleveland Browns instead decide on an orange demagogue – to convince America that they are a great team, a terrific team, everyone agrees. An utter failure.

GIF

2. San Francisco 49ers: Fans

Quarterback seems like the obvious choice here. Yet the San Francisco 49ers decide that having people at the game takes precedence over another question mark under center.

Tweet showing attendance at San Francisco 49ers game.
Any 2017 NFL Mock Draft may have a larger attendance than a 2016 San Francisco 49ers game.

 

3. Chicago Bears: Better Equipment

Da Bears need help on da line and better equipment. They choose the latter at No. 4 in our 2017 NFL Mock Draft.

4. Jacksonville Jaguars: A Pressure Cooker

They were third-worst in Pass Rushing Productivity. A pressure cooker instantly fills a need.

5. Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles): Musician Jon Bon Jovi

Whether the rumors about Bon Jovi buying the Titans are true or not, he should probably be on the team.

(Photo: Thomas P. Costello)

 

6. New York Jets: Antidiarrheal Medication

Being a Jets fan is a condition at this point, medically referred to as “Irritable Bowles Syndrome.” They’ll need some type of relief.

7. Los Angeles Chargers: A Graphic Designer

When the “creation” of the Chargers’ new logo for their move to Los Angeles turned out to be utterly dreadful, it was clear their design team needed help. Enter Spleaze’s own Ryan Fishman – who’s already shown what he can do with his NFL Logo Remix.

The new Los Angeles Chargers Logo.
The new Los Angeles Chargers Logo needs some creativity.

 

8. Carolina Panthers: A Reggie Ray Concussion Counter For Cam Newton

Jonathan Stewart turns 30 this March, so we’d expect a running back here. Instead, the Panthers decide to become medically conscious with a concussion counter for Cam Newton in our 2017 NFL Mock Draft. His teammates would agree.

9. Cincinnati Bengals: Mood Elevators

Like the pills the Griffins took before singing Ladysmith Black Mambazo in the episode “Lethal Weapons” – and finding out the pills were actually placeboes – Cincinnati fans could use a good mood elevator every Sunday. Being a Bengals fan is no joke.

10. Buffalo Bills: Verizon Wireless

After releasing Tyrod Taylor the Buffalo Bills select Verizon Wireless, citing them as a huge upgrade over T-Mobile.

Tyrod Taylor tweet.
Any 2017 NFL Mock Draft should feature a Tyrod Taylor shoutout.

 

11. New Orleans Saints: Actor Joe Pesci

The Saints need defense, that much is clear. So they go for the most defensive character of all time, Tommy DeVito – classically played by Joe Pesci.

12. Cleveland Browns (from Philadelphia): Rapper Eminem

Been saying this since before the start of the 2016 NFL Season. Dude is raw.

13. Arizona Cardinals: Holden Caulfield

Larry Fitzgerald could easily retire this offseason, in which case they’ll immediately need a new catcher. Enter the catcher in the rye.

14. Indianapolis Colts: Gregor Clegane

Now that General manager Ryan Grigson is gone, the front office will focus on protecting Andrew Luck. They nab the largest and arguably greatest fighter in the Seven Kingdoms.

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15. Philadelphia Eagles (from Minnesota): A Fraud Prevention Team

The Pheagles need a playmaker, but not before grabbing a fraud prevention team. Their first objective is to find out why one guy keeps winning the Eagles’ free ticket giveaway.

16. Baltimore Ravens: Bert From Sesame Street

Since they’ve already got Ernie.

Joe Flacco cartoon pictures meme.
Joe Flacco is looking at tons of cartoon pictures these days.

 

— 2017 NFL Mock Draft Joke Part II —

 

17. Washington Redskins: Portable Toilet

Interior defense help or assistance for this guy..

18. Tennessee Titans: Memory Eraser

Whenever this comes up, it’s heartbreaking for Titans fans. Time to change the past and erase this from their memory.

Titans' Kevin Dyson Super Bowl photo. (h/t 3lackHippie)
Titans fans can’t escape 1999. (h/t 3lackHippie)

 

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A Microphone For Gerald McCoy

Seriously, the guy is a hoot.

20. Denver Broncos: Doctor John Hammond

It was recently discovered that Denver Broncos cheerleaders are allowing dinosaurs to perform at the game. If that’s the case, it’s unquestionably necessary for the Broncos to grab John Hammond – just so he can say “There it is!”

21. Detroit Lions: This Baby

Since they never look to replace Ndamukong Suh or Nick Fairley, they’ll go for the motivating factor – a baby who throws up in disgust and inspires the team to go nuts.

22. Miami Dolphins: The Best Quarterback Available

This one’s not a joke, just draft the best signal caller available. Please, no more Ryan Tannehill.

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23. New York Giants: Superfan Peter Costigan

Let’s see what Ben McAdoo is made of. Maybe all you need is a diesel clipboard.

24. Oakland Raiders: Bionic Leg for Derek Carr

This goes without saying. Protect this man.

25. Houston Texans: The Soon-To-Be Unemployed Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus Staff

With J.J. Watt on the downswing, this is now Jadeveon Clowney’s team. Bring on the legendary soon-to-be-unemployed circus staff.

Jadeveon Clowney mushroom cloud design. (Pic: <a href="https://mattwaldmanrsp.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/mushroom-clowney-by-totemoon.jpg">The Rookie Scouting Portfolio</a>)
Jadeveon Clowney art for the win. (Pic: The Rookie Scouting Portfolio)

 

26. Seattle Seahawks: Coach Kathryn Smith

Like Kelly MacNamara, Bills Special Teams Quality Control Coach Kathryn Smith is not to be messed with. Smith 1, this loser 0.

27. Kansas City Chiefs: Memba Berries

For our boy Eric Berry.

28. Dallas Cowboys: More Advanced Bleep Censor

Troy Aikman almost got around this like the classless shithead he is.

29. Pittsburgh Steelers: Actor James Woods

To take over Big Ben’s life and family so that he has nothing left but football, like he did in Family Guy..

30. Green Bay Packers: Red Forman

See proof below. Packers fans, you can thank That 70’s Show for your success.

31. Atlanta Falcons: Journalist Bomani Jones

Since he CLEARLY knows how to fix the Super Bowl-bound Dirty Birds.

32. New England Patriots: Ponce de Leon

The Spanish explorer can lead Tom Brady into the fountain of youth, pushing off retirement permanently.