2017 NFL Mock Drafts are already flooding online newsstands and forums. Every year is the same in NFL Draft world. Scouts salivate over unproven college athletes, those players get drafted way too high, those players get paid millions of dollars, and those players fade into the sunset like Champ Bailey. But despite the bullshit we’re fed pre-draft, we’re stuck like glue to the hope that our team might actually find that next diamond in the rough. Enter the 2017 NFL Mock Draft overload.
Like our 2016 NFL Joke Draft, we’ll take a crack at the choices these teams really should make this coming April.
— 2017 NFL Mock Draft Joke Part I —
1. Cleveland Browns: Donald Trump
They obviously need a quarterback here, but the Cleveland Browns instead decide on an orange demagogue – to convince America that they are a great team, a terrific team, everyone agrees. An utter failure.
2. San Francisco 49ers: Fans
Quarterback seems like the obvious choice here. Yet the San Francisco 49ers decide that having people at the game takes precedence over another question mark under center.
3. Chicago Bears: Better Equipment
Da Bears need help on da line and better equipment. They choose the latter at No. 4 in our 2017 NFL Mock Draft.
Joe Thomas knocks the decal off Kadeem Carey's helmet with vicious hit. pic.twitter.com/gMyjk8mMaT
— ✶ Sports Mockery ✶ (@sportsmockery) December 18, 2016
4. Jacksonville Jaguars: A Pressure Cooker
They were third-worst in Pass Rushing Productivity. A pressure cooker instantly fills a need.
5. Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles): Musician Jon Bon Jovi
Whether the rumors about Bon Jovi buying the Titans are true or not, he should probably be on the team.
(Photo: Thomas P. Costello)
6. New York Jets: Antidiarrheal Medication
Being a Jets fan is a condition at this point, medically referred to as “Irritable Bowles Syndrome.” They’ll need some type of relief.
7. Los Angeles Chargers: A Graphic Designer
When the “creation” of the Chargers’ new logo for their move to Los Angeles turned out to be utterly dreadful, it was clear their design team needed help. Enter Spleaze’s own Ryan Fishman – who’s already shown what he can do with his NFL Logo Remix.
8. Carolina Panthers: A Reggie Ray Concussion Counter For Cam Newton
Jonathan Stewart turns 30 this March, so we’d expect a running back here. Instead, the Panthers decide to become medically conscious with a concussion counter for Cam Newton in our 2017 NFL Mock Draft. His teammates would agree.
9. Cincinnati Bengals: Mood Elevators
Like the pills the Griffins took before singing Ladysmith Black Mambazo in the episode “Lethal Weapons” – and finding out the pills were actually placeboes – Cincinnati fans could use a good mood elevator every Sunday. Being a Bengals fan is no joke.
10. Buffalo Bills: Verizon Wireless
After releasing Tyrod Taylor the Buffalo Bills select Verizon Wireless, citing them as a huge upgrade over T-Mobile.
11. New Orleans Saints: Actor Joe Pesci
The Saints need defense, that much is clear. So they go for the most defensive character of all time, Tommy DeVito – classically played by Joe Pesci.
12. Cleveland Browns (from Philadelphia): Rapper Eminem
Been saying this since before the start of the 2016 NFL Season. Dude is raw.
13. Arizona Cardinals: Holden Caulfield
Larry Fitzgerald could easily retire this offseason, in which case they’ll immediately need a new catcher. Enter the catcher in the rye.
14. Indianapolis Colts: Gregor Clegane
Now that General manager Ryan Grigson is gone, the front office will focus on protecting Andrew Luck. They nab the largest and arguably greatest fighter in the Seven Kingdoms.
15. Philadelphia Eagles (from Minnesota): A Fraud Prevention Team
The Pheagles need a playmaker, but not before grabbing a fraud prevention team. Their first objective is to find out why one guy keeps winning the Eagles’ free ticket giveaway.
16. Baltimore Ravens: Bert From Sesame Street
Since they’ve already got Ernie.
— 2017 NFL Mock Draft Joke Part II —
17. Washington Redskins: Portable Toilet
Interior defense help or assistance for this guy..
18. Tennessee Titans: Memory Eraser
Whenever this comes up, it’s heartbreaking for Titans fans. Time to change the past and erase this from their memory.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A Microphone For Gerald McCoy
Seriously, the guy is a hoot.
— Sooner Gridiron (@soonergridiron) December 19, 2016
20. Denver Broncos: Doctor John Hammond
It was recently discovered that Denver Broncos cheerleaders are allowing dinosaurs to perform at the game. If that’s the case, it’s unquestionably necessary for the Broncos to grab John Hammond – just so he can say “There it is!”
21. Detroit Lions: This Baby
Since they never look to replace Ndamukong Suh or Nick Fairley, they’ll go for the motivating factor – a baby who throws up in disgust and inspires the team to go nuts.
Can’t stop laughing, poor Brody pic.twitter.com/3Or3M5Pb7s
— Alice (@AliceThompson15) October 11, 2016
22. Miami Dolphins: The Best Quarterback Available
This one’s not a joke, just draft the best signal caller available. Please, no more Ryan Tannehill.
23. New York Giants: Superfan Peter Costigan
Let’s see what Ben McAdoo is made of. Maybe all you need is a diesel clipboard.
24. Oakland Raiders: Bionic Leg for Derek Carr
This goes without saying. Protect this man.
25. Houston Texans: The Soon-To-Be Unemployed Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus Staff
With J.J. Watt on the downswing, this is now Jadeveon Clowney’s team. Bring on the legendary soon-to-be-unemployed circus staff.
26. Seattle Seahawks: Coach Kathryn Smith
Like Kelly MacNamara, Bills Special Teams Quality Control Coach Kathryn Smith is not to be messed with. Smith 1, this loser 0.
Seahawks fan calls Bills ST quality control coach Kathryn Smith a waitress, asks to get him a Pepsi, gets smacked by the woman next to him. pic.twitter.com/LFguGYvBzz
— Prescott Rossi (@PrescottRossi) November 8, 2016
27. Kansas City Chiefs: Memba Berries
For our boy Eric Berry.
28. Dallas Cowboys: More Advanced Bleep Censor
Troy Aikman almost got around this like the classless shithead he is.
Good night. pic.twitter.com/PQwo92kpdF
— Deadspin (@Deadspin) November 25, 2016
29. Pittsburgh Steelers: Actor James Woods
To take over Big Ben’s life and family so that he has nothing left but football, like he did in Family Guy..
30. Green Bay Packers: Red Forman
See proof below. Packers fans, you can thank That 70’s Show for your success.
31. Atlanta Falcons: Journalist Bomani Jones
Since he CLEARLY knows how to fix the Super Bowl-bound Dirty Birds.
— Erick Fernandez (@ErickFernandez) December 5, 2016
32. New England Patriots: Ponce de Leon
The Spanish explorer can lead Tom Brady into the fountain of youth, pushing off retirement permanently.