While your friends are out there buried in old Cheetos and statistics looking for the next Jose Altuve, you’re carving that expert angle by securing the best funny 2016 fantasy baseball team names possible. Just remember, it’s all about how your team’s name rolls off the tongue when others are chatting about how they wish they thought of that name first. Follow our lead and you, sir, will soon be a legend.
Let’s dive right in.
Ranking our favorite 2016 Fantasy Baseball Team Names
50. Grichuk E. Cheese’s – From May to August last season, 24-year-old Randal Grichuk led the Cardinals with a .287 average and 14 homers. 30 homers this season seems imminent.
49. Bryce to Meet You – And the $500 million you’ll likely collect in free agency following the 2018 MLB season.
48. Justin Upton Funk – The Tigers are hoping the younger Upton brother brings more than just funk to Detroit.
47. Seager House Rules – Like the 2000 winner of “Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published,” Tobey Maguire and Michael Caine film Cider House Rules, Corey Seager will soon become a must-watch in households everywhere. He finished his first 27 games with a .425 on base percentage, .337 average, and four home runs last season. Watch out.
46. Joc Jams – Joc Pederson took the Major Leagues for a ride in early 2015, destroying 20 homers by the end of June (and 39 in the Home Run Derby), before dropping off the face of the baseball Earth as summer approached. But like the Tommy Boy Records-released dance-music albums from the mid-90s, he’ll come roaring back.
45. A Streetcar Named Cuddyer – At least to honor the recent retirement. So long, champ.
44. Citizen Cain – It’s not too often that you see two Cains on one list, but Matt and Lorenzo deserve it.
43. Smoak and Mirrors – Because talented Justin Smoak will scrape 20 homeruns every season but also struggle to hit .230. Could Toronto be a perfect fit? Making the cut among the best 2016 fantasy baseball team names is a good start.
42. Carlos Santana’s Greatest Hits – Switch-hitting catchers don’t come around too often. Neither do legendary guitarists.
41. Whirling Darvish – Fast forward to :12 of this Kicking and Screaming clip to hear Will Ferrell describe whirling dervishes best.
40. Mookie Monsters – Mookie Betts’ style of play really is addicting.
39. Evil Kempire – It’ll be particularly evil if Matt Kemp hits sub-.270 again.
38. Why You Madson? – If you’re not the Oakland Athletics, it’s because you didn’t sign Ryan Madson, who has a 3.45 career ERA. Though he did miss the past few seasons, so there’s that.
37. Conforto Inn – The preferred spot for New York Mets fans everywhere.
36. The Three Moustakas – Kids will one day learn about the legend of Mike Moustakas and his Spartan beard.
35. Darwin Barney & Friends – The memorable 25th man on the roster.
34. Kershawshank Redemption – Marshawn Lynch already got the Shawshank Redemption treatment. Clayton Kershaw deserves it too.
33. A Fish Called Wandy – It’s safe to assume John Cleese always watches Wandy Rodriguez take the mound.
32. I’m Latos Intolerant – Especially when Mat Latos shits on his old ball club. No pun intended.
31. 50 Shades of Sonny Gray – We already did this with 50 Shades of Jonas Gray, so why not keep going?
30. Sano Strings Attached – After launching 17 homers in his first 70 games, 22-year-old Miguel Sano caught the attention of most Major Leaguers. Can the blossoming power hitter back it up this year?
29. Here’s My Number, Kozma Maybe? – Carly Rae Jepsen will never stop being relevant. Pete Kozma, on the other hand..
28. Lindor Truffles – Francisco Lindor could become a Cleveland delicacy. Get it, Lindor?
27. Matz’ Deli – There may be a hero sandwich already named after Mets stud Steven Matz, but it’s probably time to just go ahead and rename Katz’ Delicatessen in Matz’ honor.
26. If Loving the Cardinals is Wong, I Don’t Want to Be Wainwright – There’s also the backup option – “Am I Wong” – if you’re into Nico & Vinz.
25. Giancarlo and behold – Can the richest man in baseball, Giancarlo Stanton, once again dominate the diamond like he’s dominating our funniest 2016 fantasy baseball team names?
24. Desmonds are Forever – Desmond Jennings. Ian Desmond. Take your pick. Picture the From Russia with Kevin Love feel.
23. Piscotty and Coffee – The Cardinals just know how to draft talent and groom Major Leaguers. ESPN even suggests drafting Stephen Piscotty over Randal Grichuk.
22. Living McCullers – He must be the Cult of Personality.
21. Samardzijumanji – Guy has always looked like he could star in the 1995 classic.
20. Schwarber-shop – Back in business for the first time; not to be confused with the Clippers’ barbershop.
19. Uncle Buxton – Byron Buxton could be the John Candy of baseball one day, whatever that means.
18. The Balking Dead – Watching a balk is quite similar to the post-apocalypto trampling of revived corpses. Kind of.
17. The Bird is the Word – Greg Bird may miss the season, but at least he’s got the the Trashmen and a pair of headphones. He also makes our best 2016 fantasy baseball team names list.
16. Carrasco con Chimichurri – In his first 30-start season, Carlos Carrasco went 14-12 with 10.6 K/9. Future recipes to come. Forget Churrasco when you’ve got Carrasco.
15. Skaggs to Riches – Received by the Angels in the Mark Trumbo trade, Tyler Skaggs missed all of last season recovering from Tommy John surgery. He’s ready to compete for a spot in that LA rotation.
14. Carry on my Heyward Son – Kansas couldn’t have known Jason Heyward would sign with the Cubs, could they?
13. The Harvey Wallbangers – Vodka, Galliano, orange juice, strikeouts.
12. No Cain, No Gain – Lorenzo Cain knows what it takes to dominate the fantasy baseball season.. 28 stolen bases per season.
11. The Big Ka-Canha – Mark Canha will always find plate appearances with the A’s.
10. He Kang, He Saw, He Conquered – Pittsburgh Pirates shortstop Jung Ho Kang can hit, to put it mildly.
9. B’Inge Drinking – Paying our respects to an oldie, but goodie. What’s the latest on Brandon Inge these days?
8. Everyday I’m Russellin’ – Rick Ross will soon approve of 22-year-old Addison Russell holding down shortstop in Chi-town.
7. Machado About Nothing – Manny Machado, for yet another win on our 2016 fantasy baseball team names.
6. H to the Rizzo – Thank you, Jay Z. And thank you, Anthony Rizzo. Sincerely, Chicago.
5. Betances with Wolves – His 1.78 ERA in 152 career games makes me believe that Yankees reliever Dellin Betances does in fact dance with wolves.
4. Zobi Wan Kenobi – Ben Zobrist is quite gifted in the ways of the Force.
3. Eggs Odorizzi – Or would you prefer them sunny-side up?
2. Say ReYES to the Dress – By popular demand.
1. Duda Wright Thing – Ya just gotta believe.
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Cover photo: LIFE magazine