It’s that time of year when your east coast friends are freezing their rock-hard tits off, your distant relatives are flooding your timeline with political satire, and diehard fans from all over are packing their bags for Florida to enjoy some preseason Grapefruit League. But while the crew is trying to either stay warm, stay funny, or stay dedicated, they’re forgetting about the most important part of the baseball season – funny 2017 fantasy baseball team names.
Thankfully, we’ve got you covered.
Ranking 50 Funny 2017 Fantasy Baseball Team Names
50. The Fast And The Gregorius – Hopefully Didi Gregorius’ Major League career lasts as long as Vin Diesel’s career-sustaining movie franchise.
49. The Morse Awakens – First Baseman Mike Morse played six games last season, so I’ll assume he’s actually still asleep.
48. ManLester By The Sea – This would be more fitting if Jon Lester was still in Boston, damnit. But it is about time people appreciate your talent, Casey Affleck.
47. Discount Votto Parts – With Jay Bruce gone, this is Joey Votto’s team, though at $20 million I’m not sure how much of discounted parts he actually is.
46. Billy Side Burns – For the Gabagool types, a personal favorite.
45. WAR! What Is It Good For? – Absolutely nothing.
44. When Puigs Fly – …Yasiel Puig will be an all-star again?
43. Fifty Shades Of Jon Gray – 185 strikeouts in 168 innings. Dude is fifty shades of filthy.
42. Buehrle Legal – Compare Mark Buehrle’s pitching to an adult magazine. Do it.
41. The TrevorEnding Story – Props to Sports From The Basement for the inspiration behind this one.
40. Dee’s Nuts – Nobody else’s (Dee Gordon by the way).
39. LeMahieu d’état – DJ LeMahieu could overthrow a government with that .348 average.
38. Joc Itch – Joc Pederson’s 311 strikeouts in 306 games is certainly comparable to ringworm for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
37. wOBA Fett – For the statisticians.
36. A Rosario By Any Other Name – Eddie Rosario, Wilin Rosario, or Mets top prospect Amed Rosario. Take your pick.
35. The Synderblocks – Or just Thor; that works too.
34. Angels In The Troutfield – An oldie, but a goodie. Mike Trout will always be relevant.
33. Bigly Chew – This would be a top seller in Donald Trump’s sick world.
32. Game Of Gomes – This used to be a Jonny Gomes callout, but now we throw it over to Cleveland Indians catcher Yan Gomes.
31. Law & Schwarber – Not quite as good as Luol & Order.
30. Hold The Odor – Jose Bautista didn’t and look what happened to him.
29. Bettsmart – Mookie Betts + Petsmart for the win.
28. Hakuna Moncada – It might not be “no worries” for the Boston Red Sox after giving up top prospect Yoan Moncada, even if it was for ace Chris Sale.
27. Netflix And Cahill – Thanks, Clemzingis.
26. Arietta World Peace – If a psychotic NBA player can do it, why can’t one of the best pitchers in baseball?
25. John Jacob Jingleheimer Goldschmidt – A handful, but memorable.
24. Everyday I’m Russellin’ – A blossoming classic.
23. Trayce Of Spades – Look out for Trayce Thompson as a 2017 fantasy baseball sleeper.
22. The Walking Headley – Chase Headley’s 10-year career has felt a lot shorter than The Walking Dead series.
21. I’m With Herrera – Seriously, I would’ve voted for outfielder Odubel Herrera.
20. Dust In The Lind – Kansas has got to be Adam Lind’s favorite musical group, right?
19. Dansby Swanson TV Dinner – But let’s not belittle the kid’s potential.
18. Grand Theft Arenado – Grand Theft Votto is another possibility if you’re feeling frisky.
17. Glove Trumps Plate – More unity building.
16. Greg Bird Is The Word – The Yankees’ wild card player this year could be the word all season long if he stays healthy.
15. Mad Max Scherzer – Intimidating to step up to. Unavoidable on our list of funny 2017 fantasy baseball team names.
14. Brock Holt! I Am Reptar – For you Rugrats fans out there. [h/t Danny]
13. A Song Of Bryce And Fire – Bryce Harper couldn’t handle the Seven Kingdoms, bro.
12. Rogue Juan: Uribe – More like Rogue 16 for the amount of seasons he’s played.
11. Lindor Chocolates – A delicacy in Cleveland these days.
10. Panik! At The Disco – Like Joe.
9. Pitch Don’t Kill My Vibe – I can feel your energy from two planets away.
8. Forgot About Trea – Dr. Dre will soon know who Washington Nationals utility do-everything guy Trea Turner is.
7. Humphrey Bogaerts – Here’s looking at you, Xander.
6. Say ReYes To The Dress – I’d watch this, but would Jose?
5. Sano Country For Old Men – As dangerous as Miguel Sano’s swing.
4. Kluber? I Hardly Know Her – For the classy types.
3. Duda Wright Thing – Hometown favorite.
2. Grab Her By The Posey – In case you’re a fan of Drumpf “locker room” talk.
1. The Seven Year Yelich – Christian Yelich can only hope to one day be as memorialized as Marilyn Monroe. The top spot in our 50 funny 2017 fantasy baseball team names is a good start.