Phil Jackson sleeping on a bus. (h/t lou_minoti)

Bye Philicia: A Knicks Fan Ode To Phil Jackson

(Last Updated On: September 29, 2017)

Lonely bus rides, no-trade clause wrestling matches with Carmelo Anthony, and the god damn triangle is all we can remember about the three tumultuous, forgettable, senile years of Phil Jackson in New York. A shocking thanks goes to James Dolan for finally pulling the table cloth from the Zenfather table.

Phil Jackson sleeping on a bus. (h/t lou_minoti)
Phil Jackson fit right in. (h/t lou_minoti)

Well, Phil, thankfully your Netflix and Phil sabotage plan didn’t work. I don’t know what made you such a bitter old man that you felt a need to purposefully destroy the New York Knicks, but you KNOW you fucked up when you somehow made James Fucking Dolan the goddamn hero of the story. Somehow, today, I LOVE James Dolan, because even he had enough sense to know that trading Kristaps Porzingis to Boston and buying out Carmelo Anthony for nothing was the worst possible thing our franchise could endure.

But don’t be fooled; the Phil Jackson firing is neither the end nor the light at the end of the tunnel, but instead the latest battle in the war between the Knickerbockers, who own a NBA-low nine whole playoff wins since Dolan took over MSG in 1999, and utmost failure.

Sure, New Yorkers can thank Phil Jackson for the wins he did bring the city. Two NBA championships (47 fucking years ago), Kristaps Porzingis (Phil’s No. 4 choice in the 2015 NBA Draft), and literally nothing else except a triangle-shaped vat of hardwood shit. In the end all he did to counter his previous legacy was alienate his players (likely with old Chicago Bulls clips), unmovingly shove the archaic triangle down the throats of players and coaches, hand glass tree Joakim Noah $72 million, and almost trade the only good present the Knicks were handed in the past 18+ years – Kristaps Porzingis – for a chance to draft the next Kristaps Porzingis.

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Being a Knicks fan is no life to live. With an owner who would skip that same NBA draft to scream “Ballyhoo!” into people’s faces, the Knicks have a sub-zero chance at any basketball success. For now maybe they can survive with the handful of explosively inexperienced players still suffering from triangle offense PTSD. Or, perhaps they’ll swan dive into a pool of basketball oblivion and be forgotten until the next Georgetown star comes along to save them. But no matter what, they’re better off sans Phil.

So good riddance, Phil Jackson. We now know your Zen Master bullshit was just an act, and you’re really just a nasty, petty old man. I’m going to guess Jeannie Buss left you once she realized you actually had zero basketball acumen and your real claim to fame was just giving books to Kobe, Shaq and Michael Jordan, three of the greatest players to ever live, no thanks to you. If I had to guess, you were probably behind the scenes making the Kobe-Shaq feud worse. If you had never been there, they’d still have five rings and would probably be best friends, instead of the way things are today. You’re like a horrible, ignorant old woman stuck in your incorrigible ways. Goodbye, and good luck.

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