Kevin Durant’s Decision The Latest in NBA Decisions We Don’t Need Right Now

(Last Updated On: January 14, 2017)

Where Kevin Durant is going, a topic we’ve pathetically longed over for some time now, we don’t need roads. That’s all one can hope, at least, while waiting for the Durantula’s free agency decision, which is truthfully taking up every second of free July 4th time hours before hotdogs and hamburgers are being burnt under the firework residue-soaked sunshine.

But let’s take it easy, Durant. I’d hate for such a carefree role model – a baller we actually love as a human being! – to get carried away with a spotlight made specifically for him just to announce a lose-lose decision that nobody will give a shit about in less than 24 hours.

Clock is ticking, Durantula. Will it be the Warriors or the still doe-eyed Thunder (or rather the OKC Westbrooks)? Who knows and who cares, considering he’ll get ripped either way. If he returns to Oklahoma City, he’ll be shooting for the money next year and once again play in the shadows of passing phobic Russell Westbrook. If he goes to Golden State, he’ll be “chasing rings” per every hater out there. Guy can’t win.

All that really matters is whether or not Durant reserves a stage for a live NBA television hosted announcement like a piece of shit and then donates the proceeds to a charity like a hero.

(Goes back to refreshing The Players’ Tribune every second.)