Helluva NFL Week 5, pigskin fans.
We learned that the usually impervious to change and Straight Outta Tom Coughlin New York Giants need a change immediately (no team in NFL history has ever started 0-5 and made the playoffs), the high-flying Kansas City Chiefs still won’t lose (they’re the only undefeated team left), Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger (also known as Winnie the Pooh) has lost some gridiron juice (he had never finished a game with zero touchdowns and four or more interceptions before Sunday, when he tossed five), the Cinderella story Jaguars have forced 14 turnovers in five games this year after only 13 all of last season, it’s time Jay Cutler goes away for good (we see you, Matt Moore), Jaguars rookie running back Leonard Fournette is officially the rock for Jacksonville (he became the fifth player since 1970 to start his career with a touchdown from scrimmage in at least five straight games), previously crumbling Cam Newton is back to slingin’ and smiling for the toothpaste commercials, the now Kevin Hogan-quarterbacked Cleveland Browns still can’t win, the top-pick favorite New York Jets are somehow 3-2, and Aaron Rodgers can still win games with under 75 seconds (see Dallas Cowboys). What else did we learn in NFL Week 5?
Tom Brady is in our minds, he’s in our hearts. Even baseball players are thinking about him.
Hoodie Rodgers is the gift that keeps on giving. We can thank Hoodie Melo for this one.
Life is getting tougher for $45+ million career earner and aging running back Chris Johnson.
This Green Bay Packers fan is the GOAT.
Eminem tore shit up as per usual.
— Colin Kaepernick (@Kaepernick7) October 11, 2017
Adrian Peterson was traded to the Arizona Cardinals, who have been without injured David Johnson and now look like the best offense ever from 2009. Twitter had fun with the AP news.
Cam Newton got owned.
— EROCK (@TheMightyEROCK) October 6, 2017
Jalen Ramsey is a true hero, as he wore Las Vegas inspired cleats. He’ll auction them and donate the money to the Victim’s Fund. We’re all with you Las Vegas. You’re in our hearts.
Fun fact: Antonio Brown and J.J. Watt were freshman together at Central Michigan University. Naturally, Watt left Central Michigan for Wisconsin, where the Badgers turned him into a defensive end.
Eli Apple knew it was coming. #NeverForget
Tyreek Hill is unreal.
Troy Aikman should probably sit the next few plays out.
The silence when Troy Aikman realized that Bakhtiara (who he blamed the sack on) was still injured was absolutely priceless. Like he saw a ghost pic.twitter.com/pg4ktJjrdx
— Big Cat (@BarstoolBigCat) October 8, 2017
Best touchdown celebration of the year goes to the Minnesota Vikings. Truly breathtaking work, guys.
This duck, duck, goose celebration is Top 5 pic.twitter.com/Wqqo8P8d7R
— Barstool Sports (@barstooltweetss) October 10, 2017
This is just fascinating. Really digest this.
Adrian Amos absolutely unloaded on Jerick McKinnon to complete the weekend.
What it felt like to be a Dalvin Cook fantasy owner or Vikings fan last week. pic.twitter.com/2yJ6q6Yd99
— Another Sports Blog (@theSpleaze) October 10, 2017
Mike Pence’s publicity stunt wasn’t only dishonest (he allegedly reposted a photo from the game four years ago, seriously), but it cost tax payers “hundreds of thousands.” Michael Rapaport gloriously picked up the mic to help out.
White Mike Pence❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️ pic.twitter.com/CWJjYBPj6I
— MichaelRapaport (@MichaelRapaport) October 8, 2017
Jets-Jaguars, two weeks ago, was where it was at. Can’t beat $3.
But the Jaguars this week loved NFL analysts.
Even when they win, the Los Angeles Chargers lose.
Oh, Eric Ebron.
Eric Ebron’s controller got unplugged pic.twitter.com/yPrdiXbHc6
— Barstool Sports (@barstooltweetss) October 8, 2017
And finally, a huge congrats to the New York Yankees — 2017 ALCS bound.
Keep up with @theSpleaze for more NFL Week 5 and other loose commentary.