In the wake of the great President Barack Obama’s farewell speech to the nation, I have been struggling to put into real life terms an example of how it feels to be losing President Obama and replacing him with Donald Trump. It’s not like the beloved substitute teacher is leaving and now the hardass professor is coming back, because let’s be real – Obama is no substitute teacher and Trump is no professor. It really comes down to an example using family dynamics, because you can’t describe Trump as a schoolyard bully either; schoolyard bullies have no actual power, and what would that have made Obama anyway?
No. This can be explained with an example of divorced households in the united States. The great U.S. of A is our mother – and she and our dad, Barack Obama, just had an amicable, yet not so easy divorce. That’s ok, America is a very capable single mother. Unfortunately though, momma’s got a new boyfriend. And that boyfriend is a pervy, creepy, vaguely paedophilic man driving a panel van with chrome rims named Donald Trump.
Instantly when he walks in the door, you know something is a little off. He smiles at you, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. It’s an insincere, perhaps serial-killer type of smile. He looks at your Xbox and thinks to himself, “that’s mine now.” Everything in this house “is mine now”. He’s got money though, so you think maybe it’ll be alright – until he starts inviting his even weirder friends over all the time.
Jeff Sessions is like your drunk uncle’s Craigslist roommate who doesn’t understand social boundaries or how to read an audience, and always says completely inappropriate things to your mother. Some mornings you come down to get ready for school and Ben Carson is sleeping on your couch in his underwear, a half-eaten bowl of cereal cradled in between his legs. When you ask mom’s boyfriend Donald about it, he just laughs it off and says not to wake old Benny up because he’s cranky in the morning. Right then is when Ben Carson let’s out a loud, wet fart – that’s when you know you’re really in for a weird few years.
You keep wanting mom to break up with this weird new boyfriend and get rid of his creepy friends, but Steve Bannon is there whispering in her ear that a breakup is exactly what the liberal media wants.
In a real life situation, you’d be able to wait it out till college, or at least until you get your own place and move out. But this is real life, and Donald is our president – and we still have to go to work next week. Godspeed America. We’re in for a wild ride starting next Friday.
**Disclaimer – the author of this blog comes from a nuclear family that has not experienced divorce, and may or may not have made these character archetypes up in his head. Please don’t arrest me, Donald.
Gifs h/t Fusion