Being a Cleveland Browns fan is like having a new girlfriend every two years after the previous one cheated on you, left your heart for dead on the side of an abandoned alleyway, and spit on your face. Once they finally drop “Heeeerrrre’s Johnny” Manziel, they’ll no longer be the Bad Boy Browns they once were, but the 2016 Cleveland Browns are also not feeling too great about their future.
Ohio faithful is hoping that Hue Jackson is different – that unusual breed of loyal that is needed if altering perpetual failure is ever going to occur. Hue go, girl, we not-from-Cleveland fans really do believe in you.
Here are our 10 unusual quarterback options for 2016 Cleveland Browns
10. Actress Carol Kane
Cleveland born and winner of two two Emmy Awards, Carol Kane – also known as Allison Portchnik in Annie Hall – could undoubtedly dominate if given the chance to call signals for the old-school Browns. To those who doubt her, remember Carol Channing fighting Mike Tyson?
9. Brucie from The Longest Yard
You can’t get much worse than any of the past 10+ quarterbacks the Cleveland Browns have exchanged wedding rings with, so why not toss a curveball and throw inept Brucie out there. Nicholas Turturro can clearly play any role.
8. San Francisco Quarterback Colin Kaepernick
Finally a realistic choice! Cleveland.com suggested it and I can’t help but truly believe it’s a harmless risk worth taking. Do it, Cleveland. Seriously, do it. Bacardi and cola, do it.
7. A Rookie Quarterback such as Carson Wentz or Jared Goff in the 2016 NFL Draft
This one’s probably a draw depending on who you ask, but Walter Football thinks the Browns will choose Wentz. They even preferred him in the interview process, so personality is potentially strong for the 6-foot-6 redhead.
6. San Francisco Giants Second Baseman Joe Panik
The new motto needs to be don’t panic. San Francisco Giants second baseman Joe Panik can be the new point man.
5. Cleveland Orenthal Brown, Sr.
Mr. Cleveland Brown himself, Cleveland Brown Sr. can confidently take the starting quarterback position by the horns and own that city without having to throw a single pass. It’s called run game, people. Learn about it.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers Forward LeBron James
He’s all about Cleveland, right? LeBron could also probably do anything, so why not pick up signal calling for his fucking hometown Browns? Or any (every) other position for that matter.
3. Ben Campbell in 21 (actor Jim Sturgess)
Cleveland surely does need a winner, winner, chicken dinner. Perhaps this card-counting magician can sprinkle some winning dust on the beleaguered Browns.
2. Rapper Eminem
This one’s a stretch, but considering Marshall Mathers is from Detroit and there’s no city more dangerous than Detroit, it’s safe to say he could handle any violent challenge (enter Cleveland Browns quarterback applicants).
1. B.O.B. (Benzoate Ostylezene Bicarbonate)
A “blue one-eyed indestructible gelatinous mass that was spontaneously created in a laboratory when scientists injected a chemically-altered ranch dressing into a genetically-altered tomato,” per his Monsters vs. Aliens profile, BOB (voiced by Seth Rogen) seems the ideal fit for quarterbacking in deprived Cleveland. He can absorb objects (pass rushers) and is always smiling (like Cam Newton in a toothpaste commercial). He’s perfect.
For more indestructible blob-esque commentary, check us out on Twitter @thespleaze